The winner within the bad-elegy contest, by way of Charlie Steinhice:
The knit cap lies empty at the deck,
The once-proud send looks like a ruin.
At his request, his final stays
Will now transform the sea’s beneficial properties.
With tear of eye and roll of drum,
We feed the sharks. Farewell, outdated chum.
Ahead to January four, 2004, 3 weeks once I had deposed that pesky outdated Czar and hopped into the comfortable Invite Beanbag Throne: Week 539 requested merely: “Pay tribute in verse to any individual who died in 2003.” I don’t have a report of my pondering on the time, however I’m lovely certain I didn’t need to inspire dangerous writing along side humorous writing — or reject one thing as it wasn’t dangerous. (I simply violated this concept with our bad-novel-endings contest, but it surely used to be an extraordinary exception.)
The winners that yr — whooee, heavy at the puns. I’m happy that I hadn’t specified both dangerous writing or just right writing!
Winner of the Inker, by way of Bob Dalton:
Idi, you had been actual Amin,
Your passing we predict swell.
They’re giggling up in Heaven ’purpose
They know Uganda Hell.
2nd position, by way of Dave Zarrow:
At 105, outdated Madame Chiang
Eventually met her mortality.
That’s were given to be a report for
A Taipei persona.
Anyway, the Useless Letters contest, because it’s been referred to as maximum years (additionally The Publish’s Mortems, A RIP-Roaring 12 months and A Lit Obit of Amusing) has been since then the Invite’s New 12 months’s custom. In recent times a part of the thrill is to seek out offbeat characters to put in writing about, together with the ones making the record of the Darwin Awards — individuals who discovered some spectacularly silly path towards assembly their Maker, thus additional sparing the gene pool.
Right here’s Beverley Sharp’s ode to certainly one of final yr’s Darwinians:
Ronald Cyr, age 65, a maximum distrustful chap,
Made up our minds to protect his house, devised a booby entice.
He rigged a handgun’s cause so when opening the door,
An unsuspecting burglar can be burgle-ing not more.
His booby entice labored proper on cue! The burglar, is he useless?
No, Ronald absent-mindedly walked in the course of the door as an alternative.
The ethical’s now not mysterious:
Don’t mess with weapons — they’re Cyrious.
Two Texans who attempted to leap a drawbridge of their automotive:
Until your first identify’s “Blues” and final identify’s “Brothers,”
Don’t race a drawbridge, when you’ve got your druthers;
The worst factor, falling quick, is
Ceaselessly rigor mortis.
However in fact, any individual who died this yr is usually a worthy matter, so long as you may have one thing to mention that’s now not treacly or gleefully morbid or more likely to purpose harm to any individual particularly.
Listed below are final yr’s most sensible winners:
Fred Cox (1938-2019), co-inventor of Nerf soccer
His toy’s a neurologist’s dream —
Comfortable footballs received’t get you concussed!
If best professional leagues would modify
By way of issuing one to every staff
And swapping every stadium’s turf
For 1.three acres of Nerf.
(Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.)
Dan Robbins (1925-2019), inventor of the paint-by-numbers equipment
He’s long gone to his everlasting shut eye
In (7) Earth and (18) Umber.
(Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)
John Dingell (1926-2019), longest-serving member of Congress
Of past due Consultant Dingell,
An individual with magnificence may have stated,
“With statesmen in heaven you mingle!”
Trump selected to be classless as an alternative.
To Dingell, with nice veneration,
We provide a toast, lift your cup to him!
Regardless that Trump provides him no admiration,
At some point he’ll indisputably glance as much as him. (Invoice Dorner, Indianapolis)
And the winner of the Lose Cannon:
George Laurer (1925-2019), inventor of the bar code
Within the annals of science, nobody did extra
To alleviate the lengthy traces within the grocery shop
Than did George Joseph Laurer, whose bar code lets in
Us to breeze in the course of the checkout and not using a time to browse.
However I want that he’d minored in English in class
And invented a bar-coded grammar-check instrument
To tell the unedified store-sign reviewer,
This checkout’s for people with “10 ITEMS OR FEWER.” (Chris Doyle, Denton, Tex.)
And when you’re at it, catch
I’m hoping you’re impressed: If there’s any a part of 2020 we need to do honor to, it’s those.
Lex attraction*: The brand new-word poems of Week 1413
*Non-inking headline by way of Jesse Frankovich
Now not strangely, the Loserbards who’ve blotted up such a lot ink with obit poems tended to ink up the joint on this week’s effects, as neatly. The partial record given to us by way of the Merriam-Webster other people of the yr’s new phrases (and new meanings for outdated ones) used to be filled with daunting multi-syllable phrases like “iatrophobia” (worry of medical doctors), however our people simply took a glance and stated, aha! Double dactyl!
It’s the — oh, my — 25th first-place win for Corridor of Famer Mark Raffman, but it surely’s his first of our new trophy, the Clowning Success. As I’d discussed previous, there are best 100 of those young children, and I’d like to peer them pass to someplace close to 100 other people. Loser Bruce Carlson wrote in with an concept: Is there one thing more than one winner may upload to the Clowner to designate a 2d win, 3rd win, and so forth.? Perhaps just a little necklace or sticky label? Concepts are welcome. The trophy is small, regardless that; the bottom is ready three by way of five inches, and his (their?) head is in all probability the scale of a pingpong ball. One distinction from the picture is that the Royal Consort has increased the top about an inch above the bottom on just a little dowel.
Ace Reproduction Editor Doug Norwood drew his faves this week from the honorable mentions: Of the 17 poems he learn within the print Invite, Doug singled out each takes on “deepfake,” by way of Melissa Balmain and Frank Mann; Hildy Zampella’s men-don’t-know-from-colors “greige”; Jonathan Jensen’s iambic-heptameter quatrain at the iambic hydroxychloroquine; and Melissa Does Melissophobia.
‘Wow! No, I did not see that!’
I simply heard this morning from First Wrongdoer Tony Crafter, who received final week’s music anagram contest, Week 1412, by way of rearranging each letter in 3 verses of “Away in a Manger” right into a readable, nearly singable rhyming poem. He emailed me from his house in England: “I don’t know if that contest continues to be working, however right here’s some other music.”
“You didn’t know you received the competition?” I spoke back.
“Wow! No, I didn’t see that! Thoughts you, I don’t appear in an effort to get past the paywall so I most certainly couldn’t get entry to the notification. I’m extremely joyful, that’s somewhat an honour. Happy I contacted you!”
Invite-lovers and Other people Who Care Concerning the Information: For those who’re now not certainly one of The Publish’s three million virtual subscribers, there’s an AMAZING deal happening for the primary yr: $29 for an entire yr of almost the whole thing The Publish provides on-line, which is much more than The Taste Invitational! It’s one thing like 700 items of content material an afternoon. The standard worth for a virtual subscription to The Publish is, I believe, $130 — which isn’t a foul fee in any respect — it’s significantly less expensive than the NYT, which, I may remind you, has no Taste Invitational.
But additionally, it’s supporting the journalism that The Publish is doing world wide — a task made much more essential by way of contemporary strikes by way of the still-current management to show Voice of The us right into a regime-supporting organ. After the recession of the 2000s compelled The Publish to near a lot of its international and national bureaus, it’s as soon as once more increasing: There are new, wide-ranging hub operations opening in London and Seoul that can be a foundation for a lot more world protection.
However in fact, its number one worth is that it permits you to see the entire poop jokes within the Invite.
Tripped up for a present?
Did you need to decorate the duvet of your reproduction of the Starr record? Keep in mind that Bob Staake is providing his authentic paintings for the Invitational from over the last 27 years — each pencil sketches and completed pen-and-ink variations — to the Loser Group at this particular web page on his website online: bobstaake.com/SI. You get involved with him concerning the artwork you’re involved in purchasing, and he’ll verify if he has it.
On a parting observe: Thanks such a lot for proceeding to percentage your humorousness with me and with Publish readers, and for being accommodating in looking forward to prizes, accepting emailed “magnets,” and so forth. I do imagine we’ll see every different in individual subsequent yr. Please maintain yourselves until then.
And directly to 2021.